the doctor of my dreams

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
 A:  Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap!

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
 A:  You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. 
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). 
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
 A:  No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so  you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. 
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A:  Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO
, Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. 


Betsy Banks Adams said...

Ha Betty.... I love that doctor also.. He says everything I WANT to hear!!!! ha

Have a great day.

LadyFi said...

Oh goodness - this was absolutely hilarious!

I love it!

Hootin Anni said...

I soooooooooooo loved this one. My thoughts exactly.

And, I'm havin' a whale of a time doing just what THIS doctor ordered.

Love it.
I am back,....just wanted to know that your blog has now been added to the Bloggers Over 50 blog roll. I do hope to see you drop by for a visit with me some time soon.


Hootin Anni said...

PS...I'm now one of your followers!!

Anonymous said...

omg..that is SO funny..

can i forward this to my friends?

Thanks for stopping by my blog few times,,,we appreciate your continued support...April and I plan to update every monday!

Marja said...

I so believe what he says I follow it all up

Anonymous said...

:wiping iced tea off the screen:

that is briliant, Betty! and sooooooooooo funny!

Louise | Italy said...

:-)) Love it. You had me going a while there, and I almost believed being healthy was so easy!